Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Make me Broken

I haven't written here in quite awhile. I think that I have felt I don't have much to say lately; that God's made me silent so that I can do more listening.  I believe that this is a season where He is teaching me to lean in and trust His love for me.

At the beginning of the year I heard a song on the radio by Sidewalk Prophets titled Keep Making Me:
"Make me broken
So I can be healed
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken
Make me empty
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will
And I'm completed
When You are with me
Make me empty
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
'Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely"

The song spoke to my heart so directly and it also scared me.  I felt that during the last few years I had been broken, but broken by circumstances, by heartache and by dreams unfulfilled.   There are times when I am still working through everything and I want to be completely healed already and it can make me feel beyond fixing. The plea of my heart becomes "please don't break me or empty me anymore."

In those moments, I lose sight of the God who is in the job of rebuilding and healing. I lose sight of His love for me. And when I stop believing in His love for me, how do I show that love to others? 

Yet, He is the God of hope. The enemy is in the job of filling us with the belief that we are hopeless and damaged goods. So even when it doesn't feel like it, I have to hold onto the truth of His promises and what the Lord has spoken over me.

I listen to this song and it stirs my soul because I do want to be so wholly in love with God that I am willing to allow Him to strip me of everything in order to heal me and mold me into the woman He designed me to be.  This process is not easy to say the least, and I make many mistakes along the way. I struggle against it, I try to do it myself, and I can feel paralyzed in my weaknesses.

But grace. Amazing grace. That sweet gift for the moments when I get it wrong and the moments that I feel I've come to the end of myself and don't know how to move forward. He holds me in those moments. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

So even when I don't feel it, even if I have to say it through streaming tears or angry assertions that I am not built for this - I will surrender my heart, my fears, my desires and say I trust the God who loves me.  I will allow Him to continue to "break me," even if it hurts. I have already seen how He uses all things for good and I will learn to rest in that truth. When I feel shaken and unsure, I will continue to walk in faith.